So much

Every day there is so much going on and so many tiny discoveries happening. Intense to say the least. It's like "Deconstructing Rashana." It's all good work, but it's definitely a lot to behold. I wish I had the time to really journal about this. All the wonderment seems worthy of recording. And yet, I don't have the time because I'm too busy being with all this "personal growth."

That said, I have a couple of things to mention. If you're reading this blog, please visit Michael Morris's: http://morrismichaelj.wordpress.com/. His reflection on the Wexner performance is insightful and beautiful and definitely worth reading.

Another bit of news before I head back into the coursework I should really be doing right now - I am in the process of updating the look and feel of my blogs and website. I can't believe I'm going to utter these words, but I have yet another blog. It's not really a blog - it's really a landing page to my current blogs. If you want to trace my steps and try to find a common theme in the layout of my blogs, start here: http://minuet.dance.ohio-state.edu/~smith6960/

Then click on my Blog link. This will take you to my OSU blog (http://rashanaworks.wordpress.com) This was part of an assignment in my Dance and Technology class. I won't be updating my OSU webpage or blog as they just point to my current blogs and rashanaworks website, so really this is just more information than you need - which is how I feel right now - overloaded with personal information.

Let go! And I mean it!

I am getting stuck in trying to let go. I have become quite aware that there are things I can easily let go of and others I cannot. And the "shoulds" are getting in my way. I "should" be able to let go of certain expectations in my practice. I "should" accept myself the way I am at this very moment. I "should", but I'm not quite ready yet. Unfortunately I am painfully aware of my inadequacies of letting go and this is perpetuating the issue.

(Deep breath. A yawn and a sigh. And I will continue.)

Lisa Waugh left a great comment on my "Centering" post:

This quote made me think about what I have heard so many times, "We don't accept things until we are ready for them."

Admittedly, I wasn't ready for class today. I debated not going. I just couldn't stay home though and think of what I might have missed. In any case, what I ended up thinking about as I began class, was about loss. LOSS. If we "let go" of certain things that serve us no purpose, does that also mean that mourning the loss of those things also serves no purpose? Perhaps the mourning is the beginning of letting go? I really hope so!

Something that Michael said in class today might be useful (like a lot of things he says). What do you put in place of the things you let go? This is a good question. I think it's harder to let go of something if you think you'll be hollow without it.

Performance at The Wexner Center tomorrow!

Life's moving right along in Columbus and OSU. My first improvisation performance is tomorrow, Sunday, November 1st. I'm excited about it and glad I could get these wonderful dancers together!

Thursday was "Trick or Treat" time. David did an excellent job making himself look creepy. Some kiddos declined to take candy from him.

Eric Nordstrom, a fellow first year grad, has been gracious in organizing several improvisation jams on Saturday afternoons. Yeah! I'm so glad to have improv back in my life on a regular basis!

Letting Go

What a challenging class yesterday! My mind was all over the place. My breath flowed inconsistently and I was overly troubled by the student next to me who sat down for 95% of the class picking at her yoga pants. I've noticed this behavior from her before, but it didn't bother me until yesterday. This time, I just couldn't get over it. I tried to let it go because it did not serve any good purpose other than to obsess. My curiousity kept stealing me away from my own practice. I wanted to ask her if she was okay. Was she sick? Did she not care enough? At one point I said to myself that I was insulted. Then I followed that up with - Why should I care? Next, I blamed myself for interrupting my own practice with idle judgements about a person I did not know. It was truly frustrating. I thought, up until yesterday's class, that my concentration and focus was really coming along. I also thought of myself as a non-judgmental participant, but clearly this is not true. In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit it.

During meditation, I calmed down and brought my awareness back to myself. I don't have a solution figured out should this happen again. The only option I settled on upon rising from savasana, was that I will not place my mat next to her. Just one person over would be helpful. This is avoidance, rather than acceptance. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently and decide I need to be next to her. Regardless, it is obvious that I allowed (and quite easily) another person to distract me. It wasn't her problem, but mine.

Open to Success or Failure

This week’s journal prompt is again from the Bhagavad Gita, from the translation by Stephen Mitchell (2000):

You have a right to your actions,
but never to your actions’ fruits.
Act for the action’s sake.
And do not be attached to inaction.

Self-possessed, resolute, act
without any thought of results,
open to success or failure. (Chapter 2, stanzas 47-48)”
(20-21)

Being a goal-minded individual, this is a difficult passage to put into practice.  It's a part of my culture to have a kind of outline to life with particular results in mind or particular expectations.  Expectations, specifically, are something I struggle with on nearly a daily basis.  I "expect" that graduate school will be challenging. I "expect" to lose sleep. I "expect" that I'll have days that show me things I have seen before. In all three of these simple examples, I set myself up to miss potentially beloved moments in life. Instead of constantly expecting difficult challenges, what if I accept that sometimes learning flows easily and that I may rest peacefully? What if I pay more attention to the possibility of deeper meanings, or new applications of meanings, to inform me in different ways?  In a more practical sense, what if I go into a yoga posture, without a preconceived idea that it is going to feel bad or good or that I will be able to express the posture well or poorly?  Isn't the expression at the time it is performed just what it is - an expression alone?  With that questioned posed, I follow with this excerpt:

But the man who delights in the Self,
who feels pure contentment and finds
perfect peace in the Self—
for him, there is no need to act.

Love thyself (the whole self - not just the parts that you "expect" will look good).

Centering

My goal in class yesterday was to center my attention using my breath. When particular spirals felt too tense, I tried to focus more on my breath and hearing my breath. I feel like I still have so much to learn about ujjayi breathing. Again - this is why they call it practice, right? I wonder how my breathing will be different tomorrow, next month, next year.

One particular moment was eye-opening. I actually worked with the flow of my breath to get into half moon pose and back out. There were no bobbles (well, standing on my left leg). I felt a warm path of energy flowing from my diaphram to my pelvis to my feet. My left hand was planted firmly on the ground. I felt stable! Persistence towards knowledge! I'm excited for the next revelation!

And so, I pass on this quote:

If the Tao could be served up, everyone would serve it up to their lords. If the Tao could be offered, there is no one who would not offer it to their parents. If the Tao could be spoken of, there is no one in the world who would not speak of it to their brothers and sisters. if the Tao could be passed on, there is no one who would not pass it on to their heirs. However, it obviously cannot be so and the reason is as follows.



If there is no true centre within to receive it, 

it cannot remain;

if there is no true direction outside to guide it,

it cannot be received....

Source: The Book of Chuang Tzu (Arkana S.), Page: 122..123

Wisdom and Realization

This week's journal prompt contains three quotes, two from the Bhagavad Gita and one from “The Yoga of Wisdom.” In the "Yoga of Wisdom," Krishna says:


“However men try to reach me,
I return their love with my love;
whatever path they may travel,
it leads to me in the end. (73)”


This quote struck me the most. It also points me back to part of one of the quotes from the Bhagavad Gita when Krishna describes true wisdom to Arjuna:


“. . . the truly wise, Arjuna,
who dive deep into themselves,
fearless, one-pointed, know me
as the inexhaustible source.



Every class we begin and end by chanting "om". Why do we do this? I would assume for each person, it can be for different reasons and I'm sure our teachers tell us why we do this. For me though, this is an action that initiates my discovery in the beginning of class and then sends me on my way after an hour and a half of practice. This is when I quiet my mind and verbally call for my focus; to reach deep within myself and open to grace and self awareness. At the end of class I chant to call an end to my practice, but also to feel the reverberation of the chant and practice bringing that "reverberation" into the rest of my day as an "inexhaustible source."