Art and Fear

Last quarter I engaged in a regular yoga practice twice a week, along with also blogging about it twice a week.  This quarter, it's not as simple to find my physical practice.  The two technique classes really aren't meant as "physical practice" in the traditional mode of practicing the same concepts each day - as in sun salutation or tendues at the barre.  The modern classes I take vary from day to day - which I like - however I see the need for consistency in order to anchor myself.  After registration completed, I have 20 credit hours.  This is insane.  The busiest classes for me aren't actually classes - they're independent studies that only account for 1 credit each.  I have five independent studies and I'm happy about them all.  Nevertheless...

After pondering on this little dilemma, I think I came up with an idea.  I need to get my mat out every morning and work on some core issues for myself.  I'll pick one topic each week and build on them.  And, as I enjoyed Michael Morris's approach of taking literary inspiration and applying to my own life, I will also pick a quote or passage and share that in my blog.  The passages I draw from won't necessarily be yoga-centered, but will most likely draw from books I read for my other classes.  In other words, I will relate certain issues to my own physical practice as another way of embodying what I'm learning here.

So I will start now.  It's a quote from a book I'm reading for the Dynamics and Phrasing class, "Art and Fear" by David Bayles and Ted Orland.

"What separates artists from ex-artists is that those who challenge their fears, continue; those who don't, quit."

I don't want to quit.  Today I was completely discouraged by the status of my knee.  I'm a bit angry that I can't seem to get my body into the shape I want.  Plus, I have a final draft due for my Dynamics and Phrasing class which means I need to perform Tuesday.  Perhaps this is another detour, a challenge to get past my fear that my body can't keep up, and a chance to let go of things that are holding me back.  Perhaps I can see this as a certain kind of restriction that actually frees me to focus on other things and find creative solutions that I might not have seen before.

Tomorrow I plan on continuing my morning ritual of stretches in bed before rising, foot exercises once out of bed, and then going through a pilates mat session that will take the weight off my legs.  I'll take the dog for a short walk to test out the knee and then head to the studio to see how I'm going to do this.

So here it goes...

Self and All Else

From the Bhagavad Gita:

If a man keeps dwelling on sense-objects,

attachment to them arises;

from the attachment, desire flares up;

from desire, anger is born;

from anger, confusion follows;

from confusion, weakness of memory;

weak memory—weak understanding;

weak understanding—ruin.

I understand this. I get where attachment to sense-objects is going. And as I eat my ice cream, I confess that I don't think I can totally rid myself of desire for sense-objects. I think, though, there is balance that must be considered. For me, it is really about dwelling on the attachment. Moderation, right?

Another reason I think balance is important, is that (for me) I am able to understand the world if I acknowledge desires; not completely give way to them all the time, but acknowledge and understand them just the same. It's human nature to have desire. If I completely ignore what desire feels like, I don't think I would understand everyone else around me.

It's counter-intuitive for me to think of detaching myself from everything and everyone in order to explore the idea of universal Consciousness. However, I know that when I "sequester" myself (to borrow the words from my last post) to my room to meditate, I am detaching myself from everything and everyone in order to get in touch with my own Self. After meditation, I am a much more centered person, more grounded and more accepting of others.

Admittedly, this week has lacked the same dedication to meditation that I had the week before. I literally have been falling asleep while doing coursework. Tomorrow is Saturday and I will be practicing yoga and meditating. I'll get back to another post tomorrow, writing about breath and whatever else comes up.

Shift in Perception

This week's journal prompt comes from The Splendor of Recognition: An Exploration of the Pratyabhijña-hrdayam, a Text on the Ancient Science of the Soul by Swami Shantananda. I've decided to include two of the quotes and they're pretty long, but I think they're good to include in the post. My response will follow. (Feel free to read in any order you like.) In addressing Sutra 10 of the Pratyabhijña-hrdayam, Shantananda writes:

“The five acts [in the eternal play of Conscioussness], the pañca-krtya, which are a fundamental concept in the Saiva tradition, are outline in a passage from Svacchanda-tantra in which the Divine is venerated as the One who brings about emanation (srsti), dissolution (samhara), concealment (vilaya), maintenance (sthiti); and who dispenses grace (anugraha), which destroys the affliction of those who have bowed to him. With these five acts—creation, maintenance, dissolution, concealment, and the bestowal of grace—the Lord carries out everything that happens in the universe. If we pay attention, we can see the pañca-krtya, in the cycles of life that occur all around us: in taking birth, in living, in dying, as well as in the suffering that comes from ignorance of the Self and the delight that follows true knowledge. In the experience of humanity, there is the meeting of cells in reproduction, the maintenance of the tissues and physical functions, and their demise. There is also lack of awareness [concealment] that this vital organism we call ‘the body’ is a function of our thoughts, and the grace of experiencing the nature of our innermost being.

“Sutra 10 invites us to contemplate that we, too, carry out Siva’s dance, performing the pañca-krtya, just as he does. We can verify this by observing ourselves. Consider what’s happening for you right now. The words you are reading at this moment are your creation, srsti. I might have written them, but they exist for you only through your own perception. In that sense, you are creating them anew at this moment. As these words continue being present in your perception, you maintain them, sthiti. They exist and are meaningful to you because you, as a conscious being, make them real. As you continue reading, the words that you perceived earlier disappear; you dissolve them, samhara. If you were to close your eyes, the entire book would disappear, together with everything you might have been seeing up to that moment. These are aspects of everyday life. Now come the two most crucial actions. Do you realize that there is no essential difference between you and what you perceive? In other words, are you experiencing everything as Self in this moment? If the answer is no, that means you are engaging in the act of concealment, vilaya. However, if you are experiencing the essential identity between your I-consciousness and the objects of your perception, then you have accomplished the act of grace, anugraha. (204-205)”

I started a new ritual after Monday's post. I had to. I have resolved to take a hot shower every night, drink some hot tea, engage in restorative stretching, meditate, and then go to sleep - no matter if it is after midnight. My meditation has been more of a review for myself of the day - of the times during when I smiled or discovered something new.

This is what I have discovered and why I feel this added commitment is necessary: I have to do more for myself in order to understand the enormous amount of new information and all the revelations that I am experiencing on a daily basis. Or else, I'm not sure I am fully appreciating all this. I am learning that graduate school is, of course, a wonderful opportunity for personal growth, but it is also a process of breaking down things I thought I knew of myself - sort of shattering my ego and shifting my idea of reality. At first, this is disconcerting and hard to handle. I am quick to judge myself harshly, so it is easy to hold onto what might seem like the negative aspects of this process. However, it doesn't have to be about the negative and I am finding (and am hungry for) the positive result of finding myself new in each day - of finding a reality where I am opening to grace. My practice can no longer consist of showing up to yoga class twice a week, making a couple of posts in this blog and then thinking that alone will sustain me; that reality has shown itself to be one of instability. I need the time to let certain concepts and acknowledgements sink in and this is something I have to do for myself.

One last note on "letting go." After a long hot shower to clean the dirt of the day off, hot tea to wash everything down, some stretching to release tension and a review of the the positive things (whether it's a smile or a hard lesson), I am free to sleep easy and start a new day the following morning. I've only done this for two nights in a row, but it has already been tremendously helpful. In two more hours, I'll perform this ritual again. Hopefully I've started a good trend for myself. I'll keep you "posted."

Let go! And I mean it!

I am getting stuck in trying to let go. I have become quite aware that there are things I can easily let go of and others I cannot. And the "shoulds" are getting in my way. I "should" be able to let go of certain expectations in my practice. I "should" accept myself the way I am at this very moment. I "should", but I'm not quite ready yet. Unfortunately I am painfully aware of my inadequacies of letting go and this is perpetuating the issue.

(Deep breath. A yawn and a sigh. And I will continue.)

Lisa Waugh left a great comment on my "Centering" post:

This quote made me think about what I have heard so many times, "We don't accept things until we are ready for them."

Admittedly, I wasn't ready for class today. I debated not going. I just couldn't stay home though and think of what I might have missed. In any case, what I ended up thinking about as I began class, was about loss. LOSS. If we "let go" of certain things that serve us no purpose, does that also mean that mourning the loss of those things also serves no purpose? Perhaps the mourning is the beginning of letting go? I really hope so!

Something that Michael said in class today might be useful (like a lot of things he says). What do you put in place of the things you let go? This is a good question. I think it's harder to let go of something if you think you'll be hollow without it.

Letting Go

What a challenging class yesterday! My mind was all over the place. My breath flowed inconsistently and I was overly troubled by the student next to me who sat down for 95% of the class picking at her yoga pants. I've noticed this behavior from her before, but it didn't bother me until yesterday. This time, I just couldn't get over it. I tried to let it go because it did not serve any good purpose other than to obsess. My curiousity kept stealing me away from my own practice. I wanted to ask her if she was okay. Was she sick? Did she not care enough? At one point I said to myself that I was insulted. Then I followed that up with - Why should I care? Next, I blamed myself for interrupting my own practice with idle judgements about a person I did not know. It was truly frustrating. I thought, up until yesterday's class, that my concentration and focus was really coming along. I also thought of myself as a non-judgmental participant, but clearly this is not true. In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit it.

During meditation, I calmed down and brought my awareness back to myself. I don't have a solution figured out should this happen again. The only option I settled on upon rising from savasana, was that I will not place my mat next to her. Just one person over would be helpful. This is avoidance, rather than acceptance. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently and decide I need to be next to her. Regardless, it is obvious that I allowed (and quite easily) another person to distract me. It wasn't her problem, but mine.